realization - pt. i

fear controls me

i've acknowledged it

i recognize its power

in my thoughts, decisions & actions

i can't seem to shake it

off my clouded & tired mind

why do i care so much?

i want to care so much.

but there's a point where

i see myself in the mirror 

and don't even recognize that human 

staring fearfully back at me.

who has he become?

my care has turned a blind eye

on my own well being. 

 

my being

well or not, is all i have

and i truly don't "have" it. 

so why am i not stewarding

my own aching, fearful feelings well?

i get caught

thinking about how i affect others

before i decide to be kind to that

pitiful soul staring back in that dirty reflection

am i just a dirty reflection?

what am i?

a good question, or a terrifying realization?

i have so many questions

they're not all good questions

what matters?

me or others?

me and others?

me?

 

(written August 2017)