9 poems about my feelings

from January 2018

I'm not quite sure how to "set up" these poems. some sort of context feels necessary to me, to help you, the reader understand where my head was at when they were written. 

to be honest, I was preparing 9 paintings for an art show that was to be in February, going through a breakup, and trying to channel my emotions into words that needed to leave my brain and stay on a page; clearing my headspace.

these are those poems.


in dreams; night rain

some nights

my brain won’t stop

even when my body is ready

to embrace the exhaustion i feel

so some nights i get up

only because the soft sound of rain on my roof beckons me to listen 

and the moon 

hidden from my sight in the weeping clouds, demands my attention

to feel it’s energy

urging me to say what’s on my mind


perfect feelings; held together

i feel much

empathetic towards other’s situations and emotions

what i don’t feel often

or at least don’t give any attention to regularly

are my own feelings

too busy, i say, to reflect and examine how i am

too scared to understand why i am the way i am

am i the way i am because of things in my past

or because i know what the future holds?

i don’t know what the future holds, is that why i am scared?

my feelings are held together

with layers of masks and safeguards tightly bound by three ideas

don’t show too much

don’t say too much

don’t be too much

a way to protect myself from prying eyes and questions.

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what’s next?

i haven’t had much time to think about what’s next

did i do the right thing when i said goodbye?

i want to do what’s best

that’s how i live my life, or at least i like to think so

i know deep down somewhere

i did what was best for me

that’t all i am responsible for and able to do, ever

just that

so now what?

into the unknown again

i’ve done this before

now i’m spiraling into the abyss

its cold and dark and wet and i’m falling

and failing 

but in that i feel more alive than i did before 

and that confuses me


moving forward

right now forward confuses me

i take a step

was it in the right direction?

which direction is correct?

we, or at least, i tend to think life is linear

i move in one line

so focused on reaching a destination or achievement 

or what’s next

that i forget to be right here

where i am

because according to my brain

i’ve got someplace to be

someplace better than this moment

what is better than this moment? 

moving forward

white heat

you blinded me with words and love

it was warm and secure, until it wasn’t 

that heat burned out

not like the white heat of the sun

you were once that for me

the sunshine i felt

i dared to look right at you, thinking it would be everything i desired

and it caused my eyes to bleed

my heart to shrivel

my dreams to be consumed and forgotten

and then something changed

i evolved enough into my new body

to be immune to the bright rays of your being

just enough to see that you were destroying me

slowly

white heat

all go somewhere

i believe we are all connected somehow

an invisible energy

bonds of oneness 

our lives are all the same

a society of life and death

we all have equal opportunity

to live our best

and that is an individual comparison

you can only compare yourself to yourself

we are all trying to do our best

i think

where are we all going?

i’m trying to think about that less

and think about how we are all being

all go somewhere

too late

you tried to control me

i was letting you

and then i figured out that this is my life

so you reacted to my enlightenment

you tried, too late, to change

to keep me

but i was never yours to own


don’t attack me

words i said to you

words i don’t regret

what i do regret is not seeing how you were affecting me

until it was too late and you attacked 

you felt cornered by my awareness

you lashed out

manipulated

and somehow

i’m the one that feels guilty for hurting you

when i never laid a hand on you


twisted up inside my broken mind

i feel broken

i always have

a laundry list of emotions 

trauma 

guilt

they all swirl together

a cyclone of twisted emotions

tumbling and rolling inside my broken mind

someone recently said “you’re not broken”

it was a kind sentiment

something, maybe someday, i might believe 

but for now

my head hurts too much to understand

normal, now nothing

but something; too much

a nest of thoughts great and terrible

making their appearance 

waiting their turn

to play their part in the stage-play of my life

twisted up inside my broken mind